Things Left Unsaid.

Have you ever just needed to say something? Has the things left unsaid ever made you sad? It did me. There has been something on my heart lately that has been straining to come out! Everytime that I saw or talked to a certain person it was like trying to hold back a flood with nothing but my own hands. And everytime that I managed to restrain my tongue from uttering what was on my heart I felt no since of victory, only a sadness that something important had been left undone.

You see I was afraid...

I was afraid to express myself because I knew it would change things forever; words are powerful and they shape our lives for better or worse. Words do two things: bind together or separate. Words create friends and enemies in equal measure. Words have a very scary way of bringing unpredictible results.I was afraid it was not the right time. Do we ever know when it is the right time for anything? Lets just wait for some future event then I will say what needs to be said.

These were my fears and they were stopping me from saying some very important words. They made me seal my lips and swallow back what my heart was demanding to be expressed.

Notice the word were...I am so glad I can use the past tense here. Today was different, today Jamey did not leave things unsaid! :)

How God Completely Proves Us Wrong.

I think when we go through so much misery, we get used to it. We expect it, we plan for it, we glumily wake up everyday and clothe ourselves in pessimism. We look at life as nothing but a series of injuries and insults. A day is to be endured; not enjoyed. We become blind and deaf to the goodness around us. Even our outlook for the future is completely cloudy. In others words we become jaded.

I reached a point not that long ago when I stopped believing in the higher virtues. I believed that God possessed them, but surely there was no trace of them here on earth. Where is joy? Where is peace? Where is faith? Where is Love? Human relationships are so tainted by selfishness that any trace of love or happiness is nothing but an illusion, a show, a fraud. Surely they are nowhere to be found here on this dismal mudball.

But then God looked down on my morbid state and shook his head...

He decided that he would give me undeniable proof that there is love and happiness in the world. Proof so incredible and powerful that even my blinded eyes would be forced open. Something so wonderful it would dispel my cloud of despair. Something so different, magical, and beautiful that it could only have come from him.

Thank you Lord for showing me my error, thank you for my ray of hope!

Thanks are in order.

I don't like sharing my pain, I never have. I just don't like to burden people with my stupid problems; everybody has enough on their plate anyway. Even on my worst days when friends asked me "How r u? I just smiled and said "OK".

The recent past has been the greatest personal struggle of my life. The closest thing I can compare it to is a war or battle. Literally every aspect of my life has been under attack. It has gotten so bad that I had to just restart my life-new job, new town, same old Jamey. In this war I was wounded, vulnerable, and fighting on my own. I was losing too, because I simple was not strong enough.

Yet God doesn't like to see his children lose...In the midst of weakness he gives grace, in the darkest hour he brings light, in the midst of confusion he gives wisdom. Out of my crisis God has revealed to me a wonderous truth-I don't have to fight alone.

My hardships have been a crucible for my true friends to reveal themselves. The true ones in my life have done just that. They have encompassed me like a shield wall-offering me their strength, love, and support. They have borne me up and set me back on my feet. They saw through my flimsy smiles to the pain beneath and they responded in concern.

My friends are a legion-so why was I fighting alone? That is simple; pride. Foolish stubborn pride. "I got this!" but in the words of my favorite songwriter Rich Mullins "We are not as strong as we think we are."

 Thank you Lord for knocking me down so that You and others could pick me up.

Here is a partial list of those who have helped pick me up in no particular order. Thank you so much! I love each of you.
1. My Heavenly Father-thank you for your extravagant love.
2. Dr. Baker and Amanda-thank you for collecting me (Brenda would be so proud of both of you.) Thanks for giving me a ray of hope that has dispelled my darkness!
3. Cody, Tom, and Aisha-you have ministered more to me in the last few months than I ever have to you. Thank you for your "surprise" visits. You guys are amazing.
4. Charlie-thanks for making me laugh. Luv ya bro.
5. Bro. Lonnie King-thanks for your open mind and giving me the benefit of the doubt.
6. John-thanks for reminding me that we must be Biblical in everything me do.

Please pray for Kennedy...

Practically everyone is aware of my separation from Amy. However, few realize that this has been one of the most difficult and bittersweet periods in my life. The source of my discomfort does not come from my separation from Amy, it comes from worry over my step-daughter Kennedy.

Kennedy and I have always had a special relationship. I'm not her biological father but she calls me daddy :). I love her as much as any man can love their natural children. I cared for her, prayed for her, laughed with her (the poor thing has developed my sense of humor), and watched her grow. I got her ready in the mornings and cooked her dinner at night. Kennedy was the one bright star in my family life; my precious baby.

Now because of our decision to separate that star has been taken from me. I try to see her as much as I can considering I live 5 hours away, but it never seems like enough. I call her but it is not adequate. I always watched out for Kennedy, I was her protector and now she doesnt have me around. I am so worried about her!

Please Lord watch out for Kennedy, surround her with your Angels, and help her to know that she is loved!

Am I right?

I have a confession to make-I should make several, but there is one in particular. I am obsessed with being right. I question everything in the light of my rightness "Are my actions right?", "Is my thinking right?", "Is my motivation right?", "Am I right with so and so?", "Am I right with the Lord?" I think this internal struggle can be good to keep us in check and on the path God has for us, but I believe some (like me) can take it to an unhealthy and unrealistic degree. I think this is so because it often robs me of joy, peace, and even sometimes sleep.
Lately I have thought a lot about "Am I right?" there are circumstances in my life lately that have turned my world upside down. I have been questioning everything because of it-my joy, my pain, my actions, my decisions, even wonderful gifts God has dumped in my lap-you name it. Through this rollercoaster of self-examination and self-doubt I have come upon, what is for me, a profound conclusion: even at our best we can never be totally right. Everything we do is touched by imperfection. To assume that all my actions,thoughts, decisions are proper is madness. What an idiot I am to set my self-expectations to such an impossible degree. The standard is simply too high-it can only lead to failure. To obsess over perfection is a futile waste of time.

I have received a lot of comfort from this thought. So now instead of saying "Am I right?" I ask "Did I try my best to be right?"  and I trust in the grace of God to take care of the rest.

Getting Started...

I have always loved reading people's blogs, I always enjoyed the "little windows" it provided into the lives, feelings, and experiences of others. In many ways it is like reality TV, only better, because it is more honest. I have always admired people who can make others feel what they feel, see what they see, experience what they experience with their words. To be honest I sometimes feel guilty about reading some blogs because of the intimate look it can provided into another's heart...

I'm not an artistic person but I do often feel the need to express myself. I believe we all need an outlet for our fears, failures, frustrations, pain, as well as for our joy. Despite this belief I have never really found a suitable medium to express myself upon. An amazing friend of mine recently suggested that I start blogging and you know what? I believe I will take them up on it. So, I will let my words be my canvas to paint a picture of the life and misadventures of J.L. Wylie.