I have made so many mistakes in my life, but few are as big as my relationship mistakes. I married Amy, enough said... I don't want to go into why I married her, let's just say that I didn't have the right reasons. It was sort of expected of me and I'm a dutiful idiot. The years I spent with her were the most miserable years of my life. I paid everyday for my mistake.
I prayed, hoped, and worked to make it better. I didn't want a failed marriage. However, despite my struggles, I found out there is such a thing as irreconciable difference; there are things that are not worth fixing. Our marriage was not worth fixing. No amount of work, prayer, or magic fairy dust would change that. So I gave up...
I lost hope thinking that I would be unhappy forever, I must suffer for my mistake. The price of my failure would be the misery Amy inflicted on me daily. I was doomed to eternal unhappiness...Until that one day when we hit rock bottom and I decided that I could not live like that anymore. And I asked for a divorce.
Everyone that matters assures me that I did the right thing. I had the right reasons, it was justified, etc. People are so wonderful to support you in times like these. Frankly, I knew I did the right thing, it was the only thing that would prevent me from going insane from the sheer misery of the whole situation. I know the Bible has some stern things to say about divorce. No one has to tell me what the Bible says about the subject, I have studied every passage in minute detail, studiously looking for guidance. What I have found is that the issue is not as cut-and-dry as everyone believes it to be. There are shades of gray, there is wiggle room, there is grace. I came to trust that God would not want me to dwell in a loveless, hopeless, and joyless relationship. God loves his children and desires the best for them (Ro. 8:28) so I trust that he loves me despite my failures and mistakes.
One of the reasons that God is awesome is that he not only tells us of his love. but he proves his love as well. The Bible tells us in I Jn. that Jesus was the proof of God's love; that he sent his son to die for us. What more proof do we need? Through this whole ordeal God has shown his grace, love, and forgiveness to me in innumerable ways. By the prayers of Christian people who love me. By the encouraging words of those who care. By the comfort of the Word. By beautiful days, gentle breezes, and starfilled nights.
However, the greatest demonstration of God's grace in my life is a person. A singular individual who has helped me more than I could ever say. Her name is Amanda. God gave her to me and I am simply amazed by her. She loves me despite my past, my failures, my mistakes. She understands, she never judges, she listens. She is everything that I have needed my entire life. She does not bring me down like my past relationships, but she truly lifts me up. She prays for me like no has before. She tells me things that melt my heart and I, for the first time in my life, see love in another's eyes.
Lord, thank you for showing your grace through Amanda!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Destructive Doubt
I like to study the teachings of Buddha. Despite their obvious differences, they are quite harmonious with those of Christ. I especially find Buddhist philosophy on the mind to be both true and enlightened. When it comes to negative emotions such as doubt does his words really take on a profound truthfulness.
Today I doubted, I questioned, I feared something that I KNOW to be true. And I suffered for it. Doubt is the most anguishing feeling in the world, it gnaws at you and the fear it causes paralyzes your heart. I hate it. I felt that sword that Buddha talked about.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Days When You Realize You Are Making A Difference
My job is not the most pleasant in the world. I work in a prison after all. Its easy to get down because of the environment. It's just the nature of the beast I guess. Being a teacher in a prison is especially demanding because sometimes you just don't know if you are making a difference.
I've had my class for 3 months now and to be honest, we had a rocky start. I took the class over from a teacher who quit without notice. I had no clue what had been taught or what the students were like. In retrospect, I didn't even know what should be taught for my class' level, they just threw me in there and said "teach them". So, with no guide or curriculum to follow, I started with the basics (seemed sensible to me). Admittedly, at times, it was a tad too basic; my students were insulted by some of the stuff I gave me, but I had to gauge where they were at. Eventually I discovered what I needed to focus on.
This discovery allowed me to plan future lessons and start building on the former principles. I learned what they would be tested on and I made sure everything we studied would help them to succeed. Then, before we progressed to new material, we reviewed older material (lest we forget, you know the motto repetition is the best teacher). At first my students didn't like me because I was "tripping" over this teaching thing. However, after the intitial few days of class, they realized I was serious about teaching and they started accepting what I expected from them. They got into the groove of class and began to ask questions and become receptive to my style of teaching.
It was hard work and a little scary but the last 3 months were worth it and very rewarding. My students recently tested (T.A.B.E. tests of adult basic education) and they did incredible; not only did my class' average scores increase but 6 of my students were promoted to the next grade level. I was so proud because I saw the fruits of my labor. I didn't expect it, but the best part was when some of my students actually thanked me for helping them acheive something.
Teachers always had a big impact on my life, I'm so glad that I can pay it forward by making a small difference in my corner of the world.
I've had my class for 3 months now and to be honest, we had a rocky start. I took the class over from a teacher who quit without notice. I had no clue what had been taught or what the students were like. In retrospect, I didn't even know what should be taught for my class' level, they just threw me in there and said "teach them". So, with no guide or curriculum to follow, I started with the basics (seemed sensible to me). Admittedly, at times, it was a tad too basic; my students were insulted by some of the stuff I gave me, but I had to gauge where they were at. Eventually I discovered what I needed to focus on.
This discovery allowed me to plan future lessons and start building on the former principles. I learned what they would be tested on and I made sure everything we studied would help them to succeed. Then, before we progressed to new material, we reviewed older material (lest we forget, you know the motto repetition is the best teacher). At first my students didn't like me because I was "tripping" over this teaching thing. However, after the intitial few days of class, they realized I was serious about teaching and they started accepting what I expected from them. They got into the groove of class and began to ask questions and become receptive to my style of teaching.
It was hard work and a little scary but the last 3 months were worth it and very rewarding. My students recently tested (T.A.B.E. tests of adult basic education) and they did incredible; not only did my class' average scores increase but 6 of my students were promoted to the next grade level. I was so proud because I saw the fruits of my labor. I didn't expect it, but the best part was when some of my students actually thanked me for helping them acheive something.
Teachers always had a big impact on my life, I'm so glad that I can pay it forward by making a small difference in my corner of the world.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Blessing of Change
Change. To many it is an scary term, filled with uncertainty. Change reminds us that our lives are muteable, unpredictible, ever progressing in ways that we can't always control. Change puts us in our place so to speak. It is a reminder that we don't always get what we expect or deserve out of life.
Recently my life has changed a lot. I have blogged about it before, so I won't bore you with the mundane details. To be honest, I had been scared about the future. What had become of my life? Surely I wasn't meant for this? Fears, doubts, uncertainty led to a lethargic form of depression. I felt like a miserable failure because my life seemed so out of control; I was nowhere I wanted to be in life.
But even change can change...I was lost but I came to find where I needed and wanted to be; with her. My beautiful, sweet, loving Amanda. Her love has removed my fears, doubts, and uncertainties. You see, change brought to me what I neither expected nor deserved, it brought to me a love so wonderful that I can scarce believe it is real.
My life is soon going to change even further as Amanda and I become man and wife. Talk about change! New home, new family, new job, new town etc. Despite all of this prospective change looming over me I am not facing it in fear and uncertainty. I don't have "cold feet". For me this change is exciting and wonderful. I"m facing the future with nothing but optimism and a smile on my face.
Back in July, when I was first separated from my ex I couldn't have imagined being totally in love and engaged to the woman of my dreams just a few months later. Isn't change wonderful?
Recently my life has changed a lot. I have blogged about it before, so I won't bore you with the mundane details. To be honest, I had been scared about the future. What had become of my life? Surely I wasn't meant for this? Fears, doubts, uncertainty led to a lethargic form of depression. I felt like a miserable failure because my life seemed so out of control; I was nowhere I wanted to be in life.
But even change can change...I was lost but I came to find where I needed and wanted to be; with her. My beautiful, sweet, loving Amanda. Her love has removed my fears, doubts, and uncertainties. You see, change brought to me what I neither expected nor deserved, it brought to me a love so wonderful that I can scarce believe it is real.
My life is soon going to change even further as Amanda and I become man and wife. Talk about change! New home, new family, new job, new town etc. Despite all of this prospective change looming over me I am not facing it in fear and uncertainty. I don't have "cold feet". For me this change is exciting and wonderful. I"m facing the future with nothing but optimism and a smile on my face.
Back in July, when I was first separated from my ex I couldn't have imagined being totally in love and engaged to the woman of my dreams just a few months later. Isn't change wonderful?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Why She is Amazing.
I so often tell her that she is amazing. When I tell others about her in my excitement I often use that phrase to describe her. However, I have never really told her why she is amazing.
So here goes...
1. She is more concerned with my happiness than hers. Her selflessness is so truly inspiring and refreshing.
2. She doesn't know that she is beautiful. She takes my breath away! Sometimes I find myself just getting lost in her lovely face. Her hazel eyes never fail to captivate me as they shift between blue and green.
3. She is an incredible mom, who has been doing the job of two parents for the last four years. Those kids have never lacked for love, nurture, or any material thing. They are truly lucky to have her as their mother.
4. She does not see my imperfections. I am a deeply flawed man, but she does not acknowledge that. She completely overlooks the fact that I don't deserve her.
5. My love is so great to be around, she is encouraging, affectionate, and fun. When she is gone, it is like there is such a void in my life. Where has the sunshine gone?
6. She is a true Christian woman. She loves Christ and the things of God. Yet, she does not judge those who do not. In her way she is more Christlike than most Christians that I know.
7. She is so smart! I have two master's degree and she makes me look like an Neanderthal. She is my goddess.
8. My love is so wonderfully expressive! Just read her blogs and you will see that see has a very special gift for penning her thoughts and feelings. I have encouraged her to write more.
9. She is a great listener. I have teased her about being a therapist because I have poured my heart out to her so many times (I am so glad she does not charge)! She was first my friend before she became my love.
10. She is everything that I need, want, and desire. She is just the one for me.
I love you Amanda!
-Jamey
So here goes...
1. She is more concerned with my happiness than hers. Her selflessness is so truly inspiring and refreshing.
2. She doesn't know that she is beautiful. She takes my breath away! Sometimes I find myself just getting lost in her lovely face. Her hazel eyes never fail to captivate me as they shift between blue and green.
3. She is an incredible mom, who has been doing the job of two parents for the last four years. Those kids have never lacked for love, nurture, or any material thing. They are truly lucky to have her as their mother.
4. She does not see my imperfections. I am a deeply flawed man, but she does not acknowledge that. She completely overlooks the fact that I don't deserve her.
5. My love is so great to be around, she is encouraging, affectionate, and fun. When she is gone, it is like there is such a void in my life. Where has the sunshine gone?
6. She is a true Christian woman. She loves Christ and the things of God. Yet, she does not judge those who do not. In her way she is more Christlike than most Christians that I know.
7. She is so smart! I have two master's degree and she makes me look like an Neanderthal. She is my goddess.
8. My love is so wonderfully expressive! Just read her blogs and you will see that see has a very special gift for penning her thoughts and feelings. I have encouraged her to write more.
9. She is a great listener. I have teased her about being a therapist because I have poured my heart out to her so many times (I am so glad she does not charge)! She was first my friend before she became my love.
10. She is everything that I need, want, and desire. She is just the one for me.
I love you Amanda!
-Jamey
Thursday, April 7, 2011
We Belong Together
My Amanda,
I have never considered myself a romantic. Honestly, there was times when I doubted true love existed. I truly believed that I could be happy alone. Tbat was until you came back into my life and turned my world upside down.
Amanda, I have never met anyone like you. You have changed me for the best. You have made me a believer in love...
How did you do this? Just by being you; wonderful, amazing, beautiful Amanda! I have never met someone who compliments me so...perfectly/completely. I told you earlier tonight that when I look in your eyes I believe in fate. How else could we explain what we have? Our connection is too profound to be an accident. You truly are the missing piece of the puzzle of my life. I could never be happy alone; without you.
Thank you for coming back into my life! I love you!
-Jamey
I have never considered myself a romantic. Honestly, there was times when I doubted true love existed. I truly believed that I could be happy alone. Tbat was until you came back into my life and turned my world upside down.
Amanda, I have never met anyone like you. You have changed me for the best. You have made me a believer in love...
How did you do this? Just by being you; wonderful, amazing, beautiful Amanda! I have never met someone who compliments me so...perfectly/completely. I told you earlier tonight that when I look in your eyes I believe in fate. How else could we explain what we have? Our connection is too profound to be an accident. You truly are the missing piece of the puzzle of my life. I could never be happy alone; without you.
Thank you for coming back into my life! I love you!
-Jamey
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My playlist
Someone amazing recently posted a blog about the power of music in her life. She described how certain times in her life could be defined by a song. I was so inspired by this blog I wanted to make a list of the songs that have special meaning for me. I want to show, not my taste in music, but I want to show my heart because music does move me in great ways. These songs, old and new, have stood the test and are somehow timeless, I listen to them over and over. These are listed in no particular order.
In Christ by Living Sacrifice-Living Sacrifice was the first Christian Metal Band that I ever heard. They helped me through my teenage years. They helped me to grow as a Christian, they showed me that God wanted to reach me where I was at, through music that spoke to me. This song reminds me that my life and hope lies only in Christ.
Red Sam (the acoustic version) by Flyleaf-"Who are you? You are the truth outscreaming these lies, you are the truth saving my life." I love those lyrics they perfectly capture what Jesus means to me.
Devastator by For Today-I desire to be a soldier of Christ and this song embodies that desire.
For the Moments that I Feel Faint by Relient K-This song reminds me that when I am weakest Christ is strongest.
I Believe in Jesus by Seven Day Slumber-This is my anthem because my life is defined by my belief in Jesus.
Deliverance by One Last Soul-Amazing song! Amazing friends! This song is about not letting the world rob us of our strength and joy.
This is War! by Miraiyah-Once again, amazing friends! In '09 Miraiyah led worship at our teen camp in Binger, OK and thursday night we had a concert with several bands. Miraiyah threw down that night, it was unbelievable! This song always reminds me of that night.
Rebirthing by Skillet-I talked about being born again in Sunday School one sunday and played the video to this song. Afterwards, I gave an invitation and Autumn Zornes came forward and got saved. Everytime I hear this song I remember that joyous day.
You Are My Joy by the David Crowder Band-I think of the amazing teen camp we had in '07 where Tom, Billy, and several of the youth gave their life to Christ. We sang this song for weeks afterwards.
White Flag by For Today-being a Christian is about total surrender to Christ.
Me and Jesus by Stellar Kart-My message has always been Jesus loves you and so do I.
You Decide by Fireflight-I love this song because it is an in-your-face challenge to make a decision, hence the title.
In the Sweet By and By-this hymn makes me think of my mom, this was played at her funeral.
The Love of God-I have always loved the lyrics to this old hymn, so true!
Enchanted by Taylor Swift-I realized that if I was willing to listen to country music for someone, it must be serious!
You're the Inspiration by Chicago-I know this song is really old and a little cheesy but I totally feel the words. It somehow expresses my heart totally.
In Christ by Living Sacrifice-Living Sacrifice was the first Christian Metal Band that I ever heard. They helped me through my teenage years. They helped me to grow as a Christian, they showed me that God wanted to reach me where I was at, through music that spoke to me. This song reminds me that my life and hope lies only in Christ.
Red Sam (the acoustic version) by Flyleaf-"Who are you? You are the truth outscreaming these lies, you are the truth saving my life." I love those lyrics they perfectly capture what Jesus means to me.
Devastator by For Today-I desire to be a soldier of Christ and this song embodies that desire.
For the Moments that I Feel Faint by Relient K-This song reminds me that when I am weakest Christ is strongest.
I Believe in Jesus by Seven Day Slumber-This is my anthem because my life is defined by my belief in Jesus.
Deliverance by One Last Soul-Amazing song! Amazing friends! This song is about not letting the world rob us of our strength and joy.
This is War! by Miraiyah-Once again, amazing friends! In '09 Miraiyah led worship at our teen camp in Binger, OK and thursday night we had a concert with several bands. Miraiyah threw down that night, it was unbelievable! This song always reminds me of that night.
Rebirthing by Skillet-I talked about being born again in Sunday School one sunday and played the video to this song. Afterwards, I gave an invitation and Autumn Zornes came forward and got saved. Everytime I hear this song I remember that joyous day.
You Are My Joy by the David Crowder Band-I think of the amazing teen camp we had in '07 where Tom, Billy, and several of the youth gave their life to Christ. We sang this song for weeks afterwards.
White Flag by For Today-being a Christian is about total surrender to Christ.
Me and Jesus by Stellar Kart-My message has always been Jesus loves you and so do I.
You Decide by Fireflight-I love this song because it is an in-your-face challenge to make a decision, hence the title.
In the Sweet By and By-this hymn makes me think of my mom, this was played at her funeral.
The Love of God-I have always loved the lyrics to this old hymn, so true!
Enchanted by Taylor Swift-I realized that if I was willing to listen to country music for someone, it must be serious!
You're the Inspiration by Chicago-I know this song is really old and a little cheesy but I totally feel the words. It somehow expresses my heart totally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)