I have made so many mistakes...

I have made so many mistakes in my life, but few are as big as my relationship mistakes. I married Amy, enough said... I don't want to go into why I married her, let's just say that I didn't have the right reasons. It was sort of expected of me and I'm a dutiful idiot. The years I spent with her were the most miserable years of my life. I paid everyday for my mistake.

 I prayed, hoped, and worked to make it better. I didn't want a failed marriage. However, despite my struggles, I found out there is such a thing as irreconciable difference; there are things that are not worth fixing. Our marriage was not worth fixing. No amount of work, prayer, or magic fairy dust would change that. So I gave up...

I lost hope thinking that I would be unhappy forever, I must suffer for my mistake. The price of my failure would be the misery Amy inflicted on me daily. I was doomed to eternal unhappiness...Until that one day when we hit rock bottom and I decided that I could not live like that  anymore. And I asked for a divorce.

Everyone that matters assures me that I did the right thing. I had the right reasons, it was justified, etc. People are so wonderful to support you in times like these. Frankly, I knew I did the right thing, it was the only thing that would prevent me from going insane from the sheer misery of the whole situation. I know the Bible has some stern things to say about divorce. No one has to tell me what the Bible says about the subject, I have studied every passage in minute detail, studiously looking for guidance. What I have found is that the issue is not as cut-and-dry as everyone believes it to be. There are shades of gray, there is wiggle room, there is grace. I came to trust that God would not want me to dwell in a loveless, hopeless, and joyless relationship. God loves his children and desires the best for them (Ro. 8:28) so I trust that he loves me despite my failures and mistakes.

One of the reasons that God is awesome is that he not only tells us of his love. but he proves his love as well. The Bible tells us in I Jn. that Jesus was the proof of God's love; that he sent his son to die for us. What more proof do we need? Through this whole ordeal God has shown his grace, love, and forgiveness to me in innumerable ways. By the prayers of Christian people who love me. By the encouraging words of those who care. By the comfort of the Word. By beautiful days, gentle breezes, and starfilled nights.

However, the greatest demonstration of God's grace in my life is a person. A singular individual who has helped me more than I could ever say. Her name is Amanda. God gave her to me and I am simply amazed by her. She loves me despite my past, my failures, my mistakes. She understands, she never judges, she listens. She is everything that I have needed my entire life. She does not bring me down like my past relationships, but she truly lifts me up. She prays for me like no has before. She tells me things that melt my heart and I, for the first time in my life, see love in another's eyes.

Lord, thank you for showing your grace through Amanda!