I must confess I am really struggling with forgivness lately. I am holding on to a lot of anger that I am afraid will blossom into hatred. I don't know if I have ever truly hated someone but I think I am coming close now. It scares me, I don't like it one bit. It is against who I am, or at least against who I want to be. I am a forgiver, but she makes it so hard...
I'm talking about my ex of course. You would think that since we are divorced she couldn't effect me anymore, right? Wrong! She goes out of her way to sink her manipulative claws back into to me. She still is trying her hardest to drive her poison of misery back into me. I don't want her to win, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her taking advantage of me. I'm tired of having to work to pay her car payment, a car that she neither deserves nor appreciates. I'm tired of her lies, her excuses, her dillusions. I'm tired of her neglect of Kennedy. I'm tired of her made up illnesses. I'm tired of her always trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm tired of her irresponsibility and immaturity. I'm tired of her irrationality. I'm tired of her abuse. I'm simply tired of dealing with her...
In short, she is simply the most loathesome, vile, miserable, and worthless human being that I have ever known. Nevertheless, I know that I should forgive her and move on, but there is a powerful voice inside me that reminds me constantly of all of the injustices that she has done to me; that she deserves my enmity; my hatred. This voice is not from God, I know this, but it is so hard to ignore. I try to remind myself of the Christian virtues of love and forgiveness that I truly believe in, but they seem so impossible right now when the pain is so fresh and searing in my heart right now.
I need to forgive her because God has forgiven me of my sins; my trespasses (Eph. 4:32). In the scheme of things whose sins are greater? Mine or hers?
However, knowing this does not make it easier.
Would you pray for me? I don't want to be this way...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
She Rescued Me.
I'm such a goober, it seems like I am extremely talented at getting myself into stupid situations. My life could be one long slapstick movie, it seems. On Sunday I was about to fuel up and head back to Sayre from having another amazing weekend with Amanda. I put my card into the reader and CRACK my card broke into several pieces! I don't know about you but I don't carry cash (its 2011 after all!) I was stuck. The bank is closed and I have no way to get gas to get back to Sayre. What do I do?
I loathe asking people for help, but borrowing money is the worst. So I sat at 7-11 for several minutes pondering my options. I eventually came to the inescapable conclusion that I was stuck like Chuck (the proverbial one, not my brother who has been stuck several times too). So I did it, I called Amanda and asked for help...
And she came and rescued me with a beautiful smile on her face and a kiss. In that moment I believe I loved her more than I ever have (which is saying a lot!!!)
I know you must be thinking "He is easily impressed", but you got to understand what I have been through for the last several years. I have been with someone who never did anything for me without complaining about it. Someone who only thought of others as burdens. She wouldn't have came with a smile but with a scowl and a negative remark. That is why Amanda is amazing, she came without complaint, cheerfully, no questions asked. She was glad to help. She wouldn't have it anyother way.
The more I think about it the more I realize how Amanda has rescued me. I'm not talking about just Sunday, but throughout our entire relationship. Before Amanda came into my life I was lost in so many ways. Her love has washed away all of my pain, guilt, and fear. She has taught me to laugh and smile again. She brings out only the best in me. She gives me strength, she completes me.
Most importanly, she has taught me about REAL love. The enduring, selfless, starry-eyed kind that I have always heard about, but never experienced until now. A love that grows, deepens, and blooms new everyday. The kind of love I was meant to have all along. Love that has to express itself through everyday little things(that aren't little at all) like smiles, kisses, and helping hands.
Thank you Amanda for giving me new reasons everyday to love you and for rescuing me.
-Jamey
I loathe asking people for help, but borrowing money is the worst. So I sat at 7-11 for several minutes pondering my options. I eventually came to the inescapable conclusion that I was stuck like Chuck (the proverbial one, not my brother who has been stuck several times too). So I did it, I called Amanda and asked for help...
And she came and rescued me with a beautiful smile on her face and a kiss. In that moment I believe I loved her more than I ever have (which is saying a lot!!!)
I know you must be thinking "He is easily impressed", but you got to understand what I have been through for the last several years. I have been with someone who never did anything for me without complaining about it. Someone who only thought of others as burdens. She wouldn't have came with a smile but with a scowl and a negative remark. That is why Amanda is amazing, she came without complaint, cheerfully, no questions asked. She was glad to help. She wouldn't have it anyother way.
The more I think about it the more I realize how Amanda has rescued me. I'm not talking about just Sunday, but throughout our entire relationship. Before Amanda came into my life I was lost in so many ways. Her love has washed away all of my pain, guilt, and fear. She has taught me to laugh and smile again. She brings out only the best in me. She gives me strength, she completes me.
Most importanly, she has taught me about REAL love. The enduring, selfless, starry-eyed kind that I have always heard about, but never experienced until now. A love that grows, deepens, and blooms new everyday. The kind of love I was meant to have all along. Love that has to express itself through everyday little things(that aren't little at all) like smiles, kisses, and helping hands.
Thank you Amanda for giving me new reasons everyday to love you and for rescuing me.
-Jamey
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My muse
Sometimes staring at this computer screen can be a little daunting. What do I write about? What do I say? Should I be serious? Should I be funny? I find it just best to write what is on your mind, let it flow...The muse will find you so to speak.
Lately everyone can name my muse; I have made no secret of my feelings for Amanda. She inspires me in a way no other ever has. I kind of feel obsessive about her, in a non-scary way of course. Its like I'm an artist and she is the object of my art and yet I feel wholly unworthy of trying to portray her.
If I was a poet I would try to write verses proclaiming her virtues.
If I was a sculptor I would try to carve her lovely visage in stone.
If I was composer I would try to compose a symphony celebrating her love.
If I was painter I would try to capture the wonderful, everchanging shade in her beautiful eyes.
I would try and fail...
How could I do these things? They would be just crude representations of the beauty, virtue, and love she embodies. I would be foolish to even try. How could mere stone, paint,words, or music hope to compare to her? It would be easier to capture the wind in your hands than to recreate her beauty. She is an original; completely irreproduceable.
I know, as your reading this, you are probably thinking I'm just being sentimental; foolish (puppy love). I don't care what anyone thinks or says. I love her and she is beyond compare. She is mine and she will always know how amazing, beautiful, and breathtaking she is, because I will show her and tell her everyday.
That is all I can do.
Lately everyone can name my muse; I have made no secret of my feelings for Amanda. She inspires me in a way no other ever has. I kind of feel obsessive about her, in a non-scary way of course. Its like I'm an artist and she is the object of my art and yet I feel wholly unworthy of trying to portray her.
If I was a poet I would try to write verses proclaiming her virtues.
If I was a sculptor I would try to carve her lovely visage in stone.
If I was composer I would try to compose a symphony celebrating her love.
If I was painter I would try to capture the wonderful, everchanging shade in her beautiful eyes.
I would try and fail...
How could I do these things? They would be just crude representations of the beauty, virtue, and love she embodies. I would be foolish to even try. How could mere stone, paint,words, or music hope to compare to her? It would be easier to capture the wind in your hands than to recreate her beauty. She is an original; completely irreproduceable.
I know, as your reading this, you are probably thinking I'm just being sentimental; foolish (puppy love). I don't care what anyone thinks or says. I love her and she is beyond compare. She is mine and she will always know how amazing, beautiful, and breathtaking she is, because I will show her and tell her everyday.
That is all I can do.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I have made so many mistakes...
I have made so many mistakes in my life, but few are as big as my relationship mistakes. I married Amy, enough said... I don't want to go into why I married her, let's just say that I didn't have the right reasons. It was sort of expected of me and I'm a dutiful idiot. The years I spent with her were the most miserable years of my life. I paid everyday for my mistake.
I prayed, hoped, and worked to make it better. I didn't want a failed marriage. However, despite my struggles, I found out there is such a thing as irreconciable difference; there are things that are not worth fixing. Our marriage was not worth fixing. No amount of work, prayer, or magic fairy dust would change that. So I gave up...
I lost hope thinking that I would be unhappy forever, I must suffer for my mistake. The price of my failure would be the misery Amy inflicted on me daily. I was doomed to eternal unhappiness...Until that one day when we hit rock bottom and I decided that I could not live like that anymore. And I asked for a divorce.
Everyone that matters assures me that I did the right thing. I had the right reasons, it was justified, etc. People are so wonderful to support you in times like these. Frankly, I knew I did the right thing, it was the only thing that would prevent me from going insane from the sheer misery of the whole situation. I know the Bible has some stern things to say about divorce. No one has to tell me what the Bible says about the subject, I have studied every passage in minute detail, studiously looking for guidance. What I have found is that the issue is not as cut-and-dry as everyone believes it to be. There are shades of gray, there is wiggle room, there is grace. I came to trust that God would not want me to dwell in a loveless, hopeless, and joyless relationship. God loves his children and desires the best for them (Ro. 8:28) so I trust that he loves me despite my failures and mistakes.
One of the reasons that God is awesome is that he not only tells us of his love. but he proves his love as well. The Bible tells us in I Jn. that Jesus was the proof of God's love; that he sent his son to die for us. What more proof do we need? Through this whole ordeal God has shown his grace, love, and forgiveness to me in innumerable ways. By the prayers of Christian people who love me. By the encouraging words of those who care. By the comfort of the Word. By beautiful days, gentle breezes, and starfilled nights.
However, the greatest demonstration of God's grace in my life is a person. A singular individual who has helped me more than I could ever say. Her name is Amanda. God gave her to me and I am simply amazed by her. She loves me despite my past, my failures, my mistakes. She understands, she never judges, she listens. She is everything that I have needed my entire life. She does not bring me down like my past relationships, but she truly lifts me up. She prays for me like no has before. She tells me things that melt my heart and I, for the first time in my life, see love in another's eyes.
Lord, thank you for showing your grace through Amanda!
I prayed, hoped, and worked to make it better. I didn't want a failed marriage. However, despite my struggles, I found out there is such a thing as irreconciable difference; there are things that are not worth fixing. Our marriage was not worth fixing. No amount of work, prayer, or magic fairy dust would change that. So I gave up...
I lost hope thinking that I would be unhappy forever, I must suffer for my mistake. The price of my failure would be the misery Amy inflicted on me daily. I was doomed to eternal unhappiness...Until that one day when we hit rock bottom and I decided that I could not live like that anymore. And I asked for a divorce.
Everyone that matters assures me that I did the right thing. I had the right reasons, it was justified, etc. People are so wonderful to support you in times like these. Frankly, I knew I did the right thing, it was the only thing that would prevent me from going insane from the sheer misery of the whole situation. I know the Bible has some stern things to say about divorce. No one has to tell me what the Bible says about the subject, I have studied every passage in minute detail, studiously looking for guidance. What I have found is that the issue is not as cut-and-dry as everyone believes it to be. There are shades of gray, there is wiggle room, there is grace. I came to trust that God would not want me to dwell in a loveless, hopeless, and joyless relationship. God loves his children and desires the best for them (Ro. 8:28) so I trust that he loves me despite my failures and mistakes.
One of the reasons that God is awesome is that he not only tells us of his love. but he proves his love as well. The Bible tells us in I Jn. that Jesus was the proof of God's love; that he sent his son to die for us. What more proof do we need? Through this whole ordeal God has shown his grace, love, and forgiveness to me in innumerable ways. By the prayers of Christian people who love me. By the encouraging words of those who care. By the comfort of the Word. By beautiful days, gentle breezes, and starfilled nights.
However, the greatest demonstration of God's grace in my life is a person. A singular individual who has helped me more than I could ever say. Her name is Amanda. God gave her to me and I am simply amazed by her. She loves me despite my past, my failures, my mistakes. She understands, she never judges, she listens. She is everything that I have needed my entire life. She does not bring me down like my past relationships, but she truly lifts me up. She prays for me like no has before. She tells me things that melt my heart and I, for the first time in my life, see love in another's eyes.
Lord, thank you for showing your grace through Amanda!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Destructive Doubt
I like to study the teachings of Buddha. Despite their obvious differences, they are quite harmonious with those of Christ. I especially find Buddhist philosophy on the mind to be both true and enlightened. When it comes to negative emotions such as doubt does his words really take on a profound truthfulness.
Today I doubted, I questioned, I feared something that I KNOW to be true. And I suffered for it. Doubt is the most anguishing feeling in the world, it gnaws at you and the fear it causes paralyzes your heart. I hate it. I felt that sword that Buddha talked about.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Days When You Realize You Are Making A Difference
My job is not the most pleasant in the world. I work in a prison after all. Its easy to get down because of the environment. It's just the nature of the beast I guess. Being a teacher in a prison is especially demanding because sometimes you just don't know if you are making a difference.
I've had my class for 3 months now and to be honest, we had a rocky start. I took the class over from a teacher who quit without notice. I had no clue what had been taught or what the students were like. In retrospect, I didn't even know what should be taught for my class' level, they just threw me in there and said "teach them". So, with no guide or curriculum to follow, I started with the basics (seemed sensible to me). Admittedly, at times, it was a tad too basic; my students were insulted by some of the stuff I gave me, but I had to gauge where they were at. Eventually I discovered what I needed to focus on.
This discovery allowed me to plan future lessons and start building on the former principles. I learned what they would be tested on and I made sure everything we studied would help them to succeed. Then, before we progressed to new material, we reviewed older material (lest we forget, you know the motto repetition is the best teacher). At first my students didn't like me because I was "tripping" over this teaching thing. However, after the intitial few days of class, they realized I was serious about teaching and they started accepting what I expected from them. They got into the groove of class and began to ask questions and become receptive to my style of teaching.
It was hard work and a little scary but the last 3 months were worth it and very rewarding. My students recently tested (T.A.B.E. tests of adult basic education) and they did incredible; not only did my class' average scores increase but 6 of my students were promoted to the next grade level. I was so proud because I saw the fruits of my labor. I didn't expect it, but the best part was when some of my students actually thanked me for helping them acheive something.
Teachers always had a big impact on my life, I'm so glad that I can pay it forward by making a small difference in my corner of the world.
I've had my class for 3 months now and to be honest, we had a rocky start. I took the class over from a teacher who quit without notice. I had no clue what had been taught or what the students were like. In retrospect, I didn't even know what should be taught for my class' level, they just threw me in there and said "teach them". So, with no guide or curriculum to follow, I started with the basics (seemed sensible to me). Admittedly, at times, it was a tad too basic; my students were insulted by some of the stuff I gave me, but I had to gauge where they were at. Eventually I discovered what I needed to focus on.
This discovery allowed me to plan future lessons and start building on the former principles. I learned what they would be tested on and I made sure everything we studied would help them to succeed. Then, before we progressed to new material, we reviewed older material (lest we forget, you know the motto repetition is the best teacher). At first my students didn't like me because I was "tripping" over this teaching thing. However, after the intitial few days of class, they realized I was serious about teaching and they started accepting what I expected from them. They got into the groove of class and began to ask questions and become receptive to my style of teaching.
It was hard work and a little scary but the last 3 months were worth it and very rewarding. My students recently tested (T.A.B.E. tests of adult basic education) and they did incredible; not only did my class' average scores increase but 6 of my students were promoted to the next grade level. I was so proud because I saw the fruits of my labor. I didn't expect it, but the best part was when some of my students actually thanked me for helping them acheive something.
Teachers always had a big impact on my life, I'm so glad that I can pay it forward by making a small difference in my corner of the world.
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