I Really Need To Let Go...

I must confess I am really struggling with forgivness lately. I am holding on to a lot of anger that I am afraid will blossom into hatred. I don't know if I have ever truly hated someone but I think I am coming close now. It scares me, I don't like it one bit. It is against who I am, or at least against who I want to be. I am a forgiver, but she makes it so hard...

I'm talking about my ex of course. You would think that since we are divorced she couldn't effect me anymore, right? Wrong! She goes out of her way to sink her manipulative claws back into to me. She still is trying her hardest to drive her poison of misery back into me. I don't want her to win, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her taking advantage of me. I'm tired of having to work to pay her car payment, a car that she neither deserves nor appreciates. I'm tired of her lies, her excuses, her dillusions. I'm tired of her neglect of Kennedy. I'm tired of her made up illnesses. I'm tired of her always trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm tired of her irresponsibility and immaturity. I'm tired of her irrationality. I'm tired of her abuse. I'm simply tired of dealing with her...

In short, she is simply the most loathesome, vile, miserable, and worthless human being that I have ever known. Nevertheless, I know that I should forgive her and move on, but there is a powerful voice inside me that reminds me constantly of all of the injustices that she has done to me; that she deserves my enmity; my hatred. This voice is not from God, I know this, but it is so hard to ignore. I try to remind myself of the Christian virtues of love and forgiveness that I truly believe in, but they seem so impossible right now when the pain is so fresh and searing in my heart right now.

I need to forgive her because God has forgiven me of my sins; my trespasses (Eph. 4:32). In the scheme of things whose sins are greater? Mine or hers?

However, knowing this does not make it easier.


Would you pray for me? I don't want to be this way...