Can someone truly know how you feel? I don't know. I hope so though. Life would would be terrible without some level of empathy between people.

I just want Amanda to know how I feel about her, she is everything to me. I love her more everyday. She has become my world. Just because we are married and we see each daily doesn't mean I can take her for granted, that is the last thing I want I want to do. I need her...

Jamesie beats the tumor: Giraffe Baby at the Dallas Zoo!

Jamesie beats the tumor: Giraffe Baby at the Dallas Zoo!: "A few weeks ago, my friend Jean E. had some very exciting news for me! The Dallas Zoo has had a baby giraffe born just a few weeks ago. ..."

Nothing Worthwhile is Easy...

Wouldn't it be great if life was easy? Like one of those Staple's commercials where all you have to do is push an easy button to make difficulties go away. Unfortunately life is not easy; it will try you on every level. There is no magic easy button to make your problems disappear.

Lately life has been a bit trying for me and my beautiful bride. When we got married we knew that we would experience some transitions as we merge our disparate families. We did not anticipate how difficult these transitions would be, however. Kennedy is having to get used to not being an only child and having to get used to new rules and a whole new family(complete with a mom, siblings, and granddad). Amber, Nicky, and Brendan are having to cope with a new dad and a very dramatic sibling. There have been more than a few stressful days and conflicts as the kids learn to adjust to this new arrangement.

My heart goes out to my beautiful Amanda most of all because she is bearing the brunt of this adjustment period. She has the kids during the week, while I am working. I feel so bad because I need to be there to help her and encourage her during this stressful time. She doesn't complain, but I know she has had more than a few horrible days while I was gone. I love her and I hate to think that she has to go it alone while I'm gone Monday-Friday.

This struggle has made me appreciate my bride more. I see such love and strength in her even on the days where she has had enough stress to make anyone give up. She is so amazing to even try, but she wakes up everyday and does everything she can to make our blended family work. How did I get so lucky to find such a wonderful woman?

She is my inspiration and we will make this work because our new family is worth it and nothing worthwhile is easy or free.

I love you Amanda! Thank you for being such an amazing mother, wife, and friend.

--Jamey

Its been a while...

It has been a while since I last blogged. A lot has happened in the interim. I have gotten married to the woman of my dreams and went on an amazing honeymoon. So many life altering things in a short time...

So how am I doing? I am  the happiest I have ever been or believed myself capable of. Amanda truly is the most beautiful and amazing person that I have ever known and she has married me for some unfathomable reason. Me?!? Regardless of her reasoning she has made me blissfully happy. Thank you my love for everything...

I only have one complaint really and it is nothing major. I am so thankful to have a job (a job I actually enjoy and am good at), BUT (you knew it was coming) it is 2 hours away from my beautiful wife. The distance forces me to stay during the week in Sayre and I only get to see my love on the weekends. It makes for really LOOONG weeks and really short weekends. It seems we never have enough time together. Those precious moments just slip away like sand through my fingers...

Please pray I find a comparable job closer to where my heart is; with my beautiful Amanda.

I Really Need To Let Go...

I must confess I am really struggling with forgivness lately. I am holding on to a lot of anger that I am afraid will blossom into hatred. I don't know if I have ever truly hated someone but I think I am coming close now. It scares me, I don't like it one bit. It is against who I am, or at least against who I want to be. I am a forgiver, but she makes it so hard...

I'm talking about my ex of course. You would think that since we are divorced she couldn't effect me anymore, right? Wrong! She goes out of her way to sink her manipulative claws back into to me. She still is trying her hardest to drive her poison of misery back into me. I don't want her to win, but I'm tired. I'm tired of her taking advantage of me. I'm tired of having to work to pay her car payment, a car that she neither deserves nor appreciates. I'm tired of her lies, her excuses, her dillusions. I'm tired of her neglect of Kennedy. I'm tired of her made up illnesses. I'm tired of her always trying to make me look like the bad guy. I'm tired of her irresponsibility and immaturity. I'm tired of her irrationality. I'm tired of her abuse. I'm simply tired of dealing with her...

In short, she is simply the most loathesome, vile, miserable, and worthless human being that I have ever known. Nevertheless, I know that I should forgive her and move on, but there is a powerful voice inside me that reminds me constantly of all of the injustices that she has done to me; that she deserves my enmity; my hatred. This voice is not from God, I know this, but it is so hard to ignore. I try to remind myself of the Christian virtues of love and forgiveness that I truly believe in, but they seem so impossible right now when the pain is so fresh and searing in my heart right now.

I need to forgive her because God has forgiven me of my sins; my trespasses (Eph. 4:32). In the scheme of things whose sins are greater? Mine or hers?

However, knowing this does not make it easier.


Would you pray for me? I don't want to be this way...

She Rescued Me.

I'm such a goober, it seems like I am extremely talented at getting myself into stupid situations. My life could be one long slapstick movie, it seems.  On Sunday I was about to fuel up and head back to Sayre from having another amazing weekend with Amanda. I put my card into the reader and CRACK my card broke into several pieces! I don't know about you but I don't carry cash (its 2011 after all!) I was stuck. The bank is closed and I have no way to get gas to get back to Sayre. What do I do?

I loathe asking people for help, but borrowing money is the worst. So I sat at 7-11 for several minutes pondering my options. I eventually came to the inescapable conclusion that I was stuck like Chuck (the proverbial one, not my brother who has been stuck several times too).  So I did it, I called Amanda and asked for help...

And she came and rescued me with a beautiful smile on her face and a kiss. In that moment I believe I loved her more than I ever have (which is saying a lot!!!)

I know you must be thinking "He is easily impressed", but you got to understand what I have been through for the last several years. I have been with someone who never did anything for me without complaining about it. Someone who only thought of others as burdens. She wouldn't have came with a smile but with a scowl and a negative remark. That is why Amanda is amazing, she came without complaint, cheerfully,  no questions asked. She was glad to help. She wouldn't have it anyother way.

The more I think about it the more I realize how Amanda has rescued me. I'm not talking about just Sunday, but throughout our entire relationship. Before Amanda came into my life I was lost in so many ways. Her love has washed away all of my pain, guilt, and fear. She has taught me to laugh and smile again. She brings out only the best in me. She gives me strength, she completes me.

Most importanly, she has taught me about REAL love. The enduring, selfless, starry-eyed kind that I have always heard about, but never experienced until now. A love that grows, deepens, and blooms new everyday. The kind of love I was meant to have all along. Love that has to express itself through everyday little things(that aren't little at all) like smiles, kisses, and helping hands.

Thank you Amanda for giving me new reasons everyday to love you and for rescuing me.

-Jamey

My muse

Sometimes staring at this computer screen can be a little daunting. What do I write about? What do I say? Should I be serious? Should I be funny? I find it just best to write what is on your mind, let it flow...The muse will find you so to speak.

Lately everyone can name my muse; I have made no secret of my feelings for Amanda. She inspires me in a way no other ever has. I kind of feel obsessive about her, in a non-scary way of course. Its like I'm an artist and she is the object of my art and yet I feel wholly unworthy of trying to portray her.

If I was a poet I would try to write verses proclaiming her virtues.
If I was a sculptor I would try to carve her lovely visage in stone.
If I was composer I would try to compose a symphony celebrating her love.
If I was painter I would try to capture the wonderful, everchanging shade in her beautiful eyes.

I would try and fail...

How could I do these things? They would be just crude representations of the beauty, virtue, and love she embodies. I would be foolish to even try. How could mere stone, paint,words, or music hope to compare to her? It would be easier to capture the wind in your hands than to recreate her beauty. She is an original; completely irreproduceable.

I know, as your reading this, you are probably thinking I'm just being sentimental; foolish (puppy love). I don't care what anyone thinks or says. I love her and she is beyond compare. She is mine and she will always know how amazing, beautiful, and breathtaking she is, because I will show her and tell her everyday.

That is all I can do.

I have made so many mistakes...

I have made so many mistakes in my life, but few are as big as my relationship mistakes. I married Amy, enough said... I don't want to go into why I married her, let's just say that I didn't have the right reasons. It was sort of expected of me and I'm a dutiful idiot. The years I spent with her were the most miserable years of my life. I paid everyday for my mistake.

 I prayed, hoped, and worked to make it better. I didn't want a failed marriage. However, despite my struggles, I found out there is such a thing as irreconciable difference; there are things that are not worth fixing. Our marriage was not worth fixing. No amount of work, prayer, or magic fairy dust would change that. So I gave up...

I lost hope thinking that I would be unhappy forever, I must suffer for my mistake. The price of my failure would be the misery Amy inflicted on me daily. I was doomed to eternal unhappiness...Until that one day when we hit rock bottom and I decided that I could not live like that  anymore. And I asked for a divorce.

Everyone that matters assures me that I did the right thing. I had the right reasons, it was justified, etc. People are so wonderful to support you in times like these. Frankly, I knew I did the right thing, it was the only thing that would prevent me from going insane from the sheer misery of the whole situation. I know the Bible has some stern things to say about divorce. No one has to tell me what the Bible says about the subject, I have studied every passage in minute detail, studiously looking for guidance. What I have found is that the issue is not as cut-and-dry as everyone believes it to be. There are shades of gray, there is wiggle room, there is grace. I came to trust that God would not want me to dwell in a loveless, hopeless, and joyless relationship. God loves his children and desires the best for them (Ro. 8:28) so I trust that he loves me despite my failures and mistakes.

One of the reasons that God is awesome is that he not only tells us of his love. but he proves his love as well. The Bible tells us in I Jn. that Jesus was the proof of God's love; that he sent his son to die for us. What more proof do we need? Through this whole ordeal God has shown his grace, love, and forgiveness to me in innumerable ways. By the prayers of Christian people who love me. By the encouraging words of those who care. By the comfort of the Word. By beautiful days, gentle breezes, and starfilled nights.

However, the greatest demonstration of God's grace in my life is a person. A singular individual who has helped me more than I could ever say. Her name is Amanda. God gave her to me and I am simply amazed by her. She loves me despite my past, my failures, my mistakes. She understands, she never judges, she listens. She is everything that I have needed my entire life. She does not bring me down like my past relationships, but she truly lifts me up. She prays for me like no has before. She tells me things that melt my heart and I, for the first time in my life, see love in another's eyes.

Lord, thank you for showing your grace through Amanda!

Destructive Doubt

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills."
Buddha

I like to study the teachings of Buddha. Despite their obvious differences, they are quite harmonious with those of Christ. I especially find Buddhist philosophy on the mind to be both true and enlightened. When it comes to negative emotions such as doubt does his words really take on a profound truthfulness.

Today I doubted, I questioned, I feared something that I KNOW to be true. And I suffered for it. Doubt is the most anguishing feeling in the world, it gnaws at you and the fear it causes paralyzes your heart. I hate it. I felt that sword that Buddha talked about.

My love was so right in her blog about doubt. I am madly, hopelessly in love with her, and I know that she loves me, she has never given me a logical reason not to believe her. Quite the contrary, she has given me reasons daily to trust in her love. She defines love for me, she is my Venus, my Aphrodite.Yet, all it took was a little miscommunication for me to start worrying. How weak is our trust? How flimsy is our faith?

Forgive me, I am so like Thomas; a waverer, a doubter, a fool.

Days When You Realize You Are Making A Difference

My job is not the most pleasant in the world. I work in a prison after all. Its easy to get down because of the environment. It's just the nature of the beast I guess. Being a teacher in a prison is especially demanding because sometimes you just don't know if you are making a difference.

I've had my class for 3 months now and to be honest, we had a rocky start. I took the class over from a teacher who quit without notice. I had no clue what had been taught or what the students were like. In retrospect, I didn't even know what should be taught for my class' level, they just threw me in there and said "teach them". So, with no guide or curriculum to follow, I started with the basics (seemed sensible to me). Admittedly, at times, it was a tad too basic; my students were insulted by some of the stuff I gave me, but I had to gauge where they were at. Eventually I discovered what I needed to focus on.

This discovery allowed me to plan future lessons and start building on the former principles. I learned what they would be tested on and I made sure everything we studied would help them to succeed. Then, before we progressed to new material, we reviewed older material (lest we forget, you know the motto repetition is the best teacher). At first my students didn't like me because I was "tripping" over this teaching thing. However, after the intitial few days of class, they realized I was serious about teaching and they started accepting what I expected from them. They got into the groove of class and began to ask questions and become receptive to my style of teaching.

It was hard work and a little scary but the last 3 months were worth it and very rewarding. My students recently tested (T.A.B.E. tests of adult basic education) and they did incredible; not only did my class' average scores increase but 6 of my students were promoted to the next grade level. I was so proud because I saw the fruits of my labor. I didn't expect it, but the best part was when some of my students actually thanked me for helping them acheive something.

Teachers always had a big impact on my life, I'm so glad that I can pay it forward by making a small difference in my corner of the world.

The Blessing of Change

Change. To many it is an scary term, filled with uncertainty. Change reminds us that our lives are muteable, unpredictible, ever progressing in ways that we can't always control.  Change puts us in our place so to speak. It is a reminder that we don't always get what we expect or deserve out of life.

Recently my life has changed a lot. I have blogged about it before, so I won't bore you with the mundane details. To be honest, I had been scared about the future. What had become of my life? Surely I wasn't meant for this? Fears, doubts, uncertainty led to a lethargic form of depression. I felt like a miserable failure because my life seemed so out of control; I was nowhere I wanted to be in life.

 But even change can change...I was lost but I came to find where I needed and wanted to be; with her. My beautiful, sweet, loving Amanda. Her love has removed my fears, doubts, and uncertainties. You see, change brought to me what I neither expected nor deserved, it brought to me a love so wonderful that I can scarce believe it is real.

My life is soon going to change even further as Amanda and I become man and wife. Talk about change! New home, new family, new job, new town etc. Despite all of this prospective change looming over me I am not facing it in fear and uncertainty. I don't have "cold feet". For me this change is exciting and wonderful. I"m facing the future with nothing but optimism and a smile on my face.

Back in July, when I was first separated from my ex I couldn't have imagined being totally in love and engaged to the woman of my dreams just a few months later. Isn't change wonderful?

Why She is Amazing.

I so often tell her that she is amazing. When I tell others about her in my excitement I often use that phrase to describe her. However, I have never really told her why she is amazing.

So here goes...
1. She is more concerned with my happiness than hers. Her selflessness is so truly inspiring and refreshing.
2. She doesn't know that she is beautiful. She takes my breath away! Sometimes I find myself just getting lost in her lovely face. Her hazel eyes never fail to captivate me as they shift between blue and green.
3. She is an incredible mom, who has been doing the job of two parents for the last four years. Those kids have never lacked for love, nurture, or any material thing. They are truly lucky to have her as their mother.
4. She does not see my imperfections. I am a deeply flawed man, but she does not acknowledge that. She completely overlooks the fact that I don't deserve her.
5. My love is so great to be around, she is encouraging, affectionate, and fun. When she is gone, it is like there is such a void in my life. Where has the sunshine gone?
6. She is a true Christian woman. She loves Christ and the things of God. Yet, she does not judge those who do not. In her way she is more Christlike than most Christians that I know.
7. She is so smart! I have two master's degree and she makes me look like an Neanderthal. She is my goddess.
8. My love is so wonderfully expressive! Just read her blogs and you will see that see has a very special gift for penning her thoughts and feelings. I have encouraged her to write more.
9. She is a great listener. I have teased her about being a therapist because I have poured my heart out to her so many times (I am so glad she does not charge)! She was first my friend before she became my love.
10. She is everything that I need, want, and desire. She is just the one for me.

I love you Amanda!

-Jamey

We Belong Together

My Amanda,

I have never considered myself a romantic. Honestly, there was times when I doubted true love existed. I truly believed that I could be happy alone. Tbat was until you came back into my life and turned my world upside down.

Amanda, I have never met anyone like you. You have changed me for the best. You have made me a believer in love...

How did you do this? Just by being you; wonderful, amazing, beautiful Amanda! I have never met someone who compliments me so...perfectly/completely. I told you earlier tonight that when I look in your eyes I believe in fate. How else could we explain what we have? Our connection is too profound to be an accident. You truly are the missing piece of the puzzle of my life. I could never be happy alone; without you.

Thank you for coming back into my life! I love you!

-Jamey

My playlist

Someone amazing recently posted a blog about the power of music in her life. She described how certain times in her life could be defined by a song. I was so inspired by this blog I wanted to make a list of the songs that have special meaning for me. I want to show, not my taste in music, but I want to show my heart because music does move me in great ways. These songs, old and new, have stood the test and are somehow timeless, I listen to them over and over. These are listed in no particular order.

In Christ by Living Sacrifice-Living Sacrifice was the first Christian Metal Band that I ever heard. They helped me through my teenage years. They helped me to grow as a Christian, they showed me that God wanted to reach me where I was at, through music that spoke to me. This song reminds me that my life and hope lies only in Christ.

Red Sam (the acoustic version) by Flyleaf-"Who are you? You are the truth outscreaming these lies, you are the truth saving my life." I love those lyrics they perfectly capture what Jesus means to me.

Devastator by For Today-I desire to be a soldier of Christ and this song embodies that desire.

For the Moments that I Feel Faint by Relient K-This song reminds me that when I am weakest Christ is strongest.

I Believe in Jesus by Seven Day Slumber-This is my anthem because my life is defined by my belief in Jesus.

Deliverance by One Last Soul-Amazing song! Amazing friends! This song is about not letting the world rob us of our strength and joy.

This is War! by Miraiyah-Once again, amazing friends! In '09 Miraiyah led worship at our teen camp in Binger, OK and thursday night we had a concert with several bands. Miraiyah threw down that night, it was unbelievable! This song always reminds me of that night.

Rebirthing by Skillet-I talked about being born again in Sunday School one sunday and played the video to this song. Afterwards, I gave an invitation and Autumn Zornes came forward and got saved. Everytime I hear this song I remember that joyous day.

You Are My Joy by the David Crowder Band-I think of the amazing teen camp we had in '07 where Tom, Billy, and several of the youth gave their life to Christ. We sang this song for weeks afterwards.

White Flag by For Today-being a Christian is about total surrender to Christ.

Me and Jesus by Stellar Kart-My message has always been Jesus loves you and so do I.

You Decide by Fireflight-I love this song because it is an in-your-face challenge to make a decision, hence the title.

In the Sweet By and By-this hymn makes me think of my mom, this was played at her funeral.

The Love of God-I have always loved the lyrics to this old hymn, so true!

Enchanted by Taylor Swift-I realized that if I was willing to listen to country music for someone, it must be serious!

 You're the Inspiration by Chicago-I know this song is really old and a little cheesy but I totally feel the words. It somehow expresses my heart totally.

A RANDOM SURVEY!

HERE IS  A SURVEY TO GET TO KNOW ME.


1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say? Is that possible? 

2. Do you trust all of your friends? All of them? No. 

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? Yep

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes, according to God's plan

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now? Nope. 

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? Rachel

7. Are you afraid of falling in love? Nope!

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? She has taken up permanent residence in my heart and mind.

10. Whats your most favorite scar? My pinky.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane? 3 years ago. 

12. What did the last text message you sent say?

13. What did you eat for breakfast? A Power Bar 

14. Fill in the blank. I love: Her! 

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future? Get ready for the next BIG STEP.

16. What is your favorite fruit? Grapes.

17. How many kids do you want to have? As many as God will grace me with. 

18. Would you make a good parent? I think so.


20. Whats your middle name? Leo. 

21. What is on your mind right now? Her.


23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding? Matt.

24. What are you wearing right now? wind pants, tee shirt. 

25. Righty or Lefty? Lefty.

26. Best place to eat?  Not sure

27. Favorite jeans? Levi's 

28. Favorite animal?

29. Favorite juice? Grape juice

30. Have you had the chicken pox? Yes 

31. Have you had a sore throat? Yes 

32. Ever had a bar fight? Nope 

33. Who knows you the best? Jesus 

34. Shoe size? 8.5-9

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? Glasses.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet? I had to punt a cat across a room once.


 38. Did you buy something today? Yep a pop.

39 Did you get sick today? No 

40. Do you miss someone today? YES 

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today? No 

42. When is the last time you had a massage? It's been too long 

43. Last person to lay in your bed?  Me.

44 Last person to see you cry? Kennedy.

45. Who made you cry? Kennedy..

46. What was the last TV show you watched? Star Trek.

47. What are your plans for the weekend? Hanging out with the ones that I love!

48. Who do you think will repost this? Someone with lots of time.    

49. Who was the last person you hung out with? Her.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say? Yes!!  
37. Been to Mexico? Yep took a mission trip in high school.22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? 19. Where was your profile picture taken? At Levi's party.

Where Happiness Can Be Found.

The older I get the more I realize that happiness can't be found in physical things, worldly things, temporal things. This world offers us so many illusions of happiness; so many false paths it can be totally confusing. People are so lost. Yes, I mean lost when it comes to happiness. They live their life in vanity; always seeking never finding. Solomon said it best "all is vanity"

How true, how sad.

That leaves us with the burning question; Where can happiness be found?

I have found only one answer that rings true, abiding, and eternal; love. It sounds simplistic. It sounds almost corny, but it is nonetheless true. Love gives us everything that we strive for. It fulfills us in ways that nothing else can. It lifts us up when we are beat down by life. It can make us cry. It can make us laugh. It can make us dance. It can also stop us dead in our tracks. Love gives us strength, Love gives us purpose.

In other words, Love is Perfect!

Happiness is found in the laughter of our precious children(love), in the eyes of that special someone(Love), and in knowing God (LOVE).

Thank God for Love, thank God for the key to happiness.

The Perfect Moment

I had a perfect moment this weekend-a moment when all was totally right in the world, when life was just a single beautiful span of too-short time. No worries, no fears, no pressing concerns, just contented bliss...

I never knew that such a moment could exist...never experienced such a glorious contentment in my life. It is like in that instant I became alive; my whole perspective changed-where there was only black and gray; now color filled my world. 

What brought on such a beautiful experience? It was being where I knew I belonged, with the people I belong with. It was caused by knowing that there was no other place on earth I would rather be.

--It was the kind of experience that could make a man die happy.

Things Left Unsaid.

Have you ever just needed to say something? Has the things left unsaid ever made you sad? It did me. There has been something on my heart lately that has been straining to come out! Everytime that I saw or talked to a certain person it was like trying to hold back a flood with nothing but my own hands. And everytime that I managed to restrain my tongue from uttering what was on my heart I felt no since of victory, only a sadness that something important had been left undone.

You see I was afraid...

I was afraid to express myself because I knew it would change things forever; words are powerful and they shape our lives for better or worse. Words do two things: bind together or separate. Words create friends and enemies in equal measure. Words have a very scary way of bringing unpredictible results.I was afraid it was not the right time. Do we ever know when it is the right time for anything? Lets just wait for some future event then I will say what needs to be said.

These were my fears and they were stopping me from saying some very important words. They made me seal my lips and swallow back what my heart was demanding to be expressed.

Notice the word were...I am so glad I can use the past tense here. Today was different, today Jamey did not leave things unsaid! :)

How God Completely Proves Us Wrong.

I think when we go through so much misery, we get used to it. We expect it, we plan for it, we glumily wake up everyday and clothe ourselves in pessimism. We look at life as nothing but a series of injuries and insults. A day is to be endured; not enjoyed. We become blind and deaf to the goodness around us. Even our outlook for the future is completely cloudy. In others words we become jaded.

I reached a point not that long ago when I stopped believing in the higher virtues. I believed that God possessed them, but surely there was no trace of them here on earth. Where is joy? Where is peace? Where is faith? Where is Love? Human relationships are so tainted by selfishness that any trace of love or happiness is nothing but an illusion, a show, a fraud. Surely they are nowhere to be found here on this dismal mudball.

But then God looked down on my morbid state and shook his head...

He decided that he would give me undeniable proof that there is love and happiness in the world. Proof so incredible and powerful that even my blinded eyes would be forced open. Something so wonderful it would dispel my cloud of despair. Something so different, magical, and beautiful that it could only have come from him.

Thank you Lord for showing me my error, thank you for my ray of hope!

Thanks are in order.

I don't like sharing my pain, I never have. I just don't like to burden people with my stupid problems; everybody has enough on their plate anyway. Even on my worst days when friends asked me "How r u? I just smiled and said "OK".

The recent past has been the greatest personal struggle of my life. The closest thing I can compare it to is a war or battle. Literally every aspect of my life has been under attack. It has gotten so bad that I had to just restart my life-new job, new town, same old Jamey. In this war I was wounded, vulnerable, and fighting on my own. I was losing too, because I simple was not strong enough.

Yet God doesn't like to see his children lose...In the midst of weakness he gives grace, in the darkest hour he brings light, in the midst of confusion he gives wisdom. Out of my crisis God has revealed to me a wonderous truth-I don't have to fight alone.

My hardships have been a crucible for my true friends to reveal themselves. The true ones in my life have done just that. They have encompassed me like a shield wall-offering me their strength, love, and support. They have borne me up and set me back on my feet. They saw through my flimsy smiles to the pain beneath and they responded in concern.

My friends are a legion-so why was I fighting alone? That is simple; pride. Foolish stubborn pride. "I got this!" but in the words of my favorite songwriter Rich Mullins "We are not as strong as we think we are."

 Thank you Lord for knocking me down so that You and others could pick me up.

Here is a partial list of those who have helped pick me up in no particular order. Thank you so much! I love each of you.
1. My Heavenly Father-thank you for your extravagant love.
2. Dr. Baker and Amanda-thank you for collecting me (Brenda would be so proud of both of you.) Thanks for giving me a ray of hope that has dispelled my darkness!
3. Cody, Tom, and Aisha-you have ministered more to me in the last few months than I ever have to you. Thank you for your "surprise" visits. You guys are amazing.
4. Charlie-thanks for making me laugh. Luv ya bro.
5. Bro. Lonnie King-thanks for your open mind and giving me the benefit of the doubt.
6. John-thanks for reminding me that we must be Biblical in everything me do.

Please pray for Kennedy...

Practically everyone is aware of my separation from Amy. However, few realize that this has been one of the most difficult and bittersweet periods in my life. The source of my discomfort does not come from my separation from Amy, it comes from worry over my step-daughter Kennedy.

Kennedy and I have always had a special relationship. I'm not her biological father but she calls me daddy :). I love her as much as any man can love their natural children. I cared for her, prayed for her, laughed with her (the poor thing has developed my sense of humor), and watched her grow. I got her ready in the mornings and cooked her dinner at night. Kennedy was the one bright star in my family life; my precious baby.

Now because of our decision to separate that star has been taken from me. I try to see her as much as I can considering I live 5 hours away, but it never seems like enough. I call her but it is not adequate. I always watched out for Kennedy, I was her protector and now she doesnt have me around. I am so worried about her!

Please Lord watch out for Kennedy, surround her with your Angels, and help her to know that she is loved!

Am I right?

I have a confession to make-I should make several, but there is one in particular. I am obsessed with being right. I question everything in the light of my rightness "Are my actions right?", "Is my thinking right?", "Is my motivation right?", "Am I right with so and so?", "Am I right with the Lord?" I think this internal struggle can be good to keep us in check and on the path God has for us, but I believe some (like me) can take it to an unhealthy and unrealistic degree. I think this is so because it often robs me of joy, peace, and even sometimes sleep.
Lately I have thought a lot about "Am I right?" there are circumstances in my life lately that have turned my world upside down. I have been questioning everything because of it-my joy, my pain, my actions, my decisions, even wonderful gifts God has dumped in my lap-you name it. Through this rollercoaster of self-examination and self-doubt I have come upon, what is for me, a profound conclusion: even at our best we can never be totally right. Everything we do is touched by imperfection. To assume that all my actions,thoughts, decisions are proper is madness. What an idiot I am to set my self-expectations to such an impossible degree. The standard is simply too high-it can only lead to failure. To obsess over perfection is a futile waste of time.

I have received a lot of comfort from this thought. So now instead of saying "Am I right?" I ask "Did I try my best to be right?"  and I trust in the grace of God to take care of the rest.

Getting Started...

I have always loved reading people's blogs, I always enjoyed the "little windows" it provided into the lives, feelings, and experiences of others. In many ways it is like reality TV, only better, because it is more honest. I have always admired people who can make others feel what they feel, see what they see, experience what they experience with their words. To be honest I sometimes feel guilty about reading some blogs because of the intimate look it can provided into another's heart...

I'm not an artistic person but I do often feel the need to express myself. I believe we all need an outlet for our fears, failures, frustrations, pain, as well as for our joy. Despite this belief I have never really found a suitable medium to express myself upon. An amazing friend of mine recently suggested that I start blogging and you know what? I believe I will take them up on it. So, I will let my words be my canvas to paint a picture of the life and misadventures of J.L. Wylie.